..:: I just bought serialkillerwhale.com ::..

Too soon?

But I’m willing to sell it to PETA.  $50,000 and it’s yours.

..:: The Dashboard Cookie Experiment ::..

It’s mid-August, and summer has finally come to New England.  So what do we do?  We bitch about the heat.  I chose to spit in Mother Nature’s eye, and came up with some tasty results.

Last month, Lifehacker had a piece on using the heat that builds up in a parked car on a summer day to bake some cookies.  I thought it was a cool idea, but was skeptical, and decided to give it a shot yesterday.  And you know what?  It totally fucking worked.

Armed with some aluminum foil, I wrapped a Guinness tin tacker I had hanging on my wall, and bought some Toll House chololate chip cookie dough (the flat, pre-cut 24 dough cube kind).  I pre-heated the oven as it were by running the defroster on high heat on my way back from the store with the dough.  I spaced the dough on my impromptu baking sheet, placed two pot holders on the dashboard and the sheet on top of those.  I closed the door and began the wait.

10:40 AM

My 2000 Ford Windstar begins its career as an oven.  My thought at this point is “worst case scenario… my van smells really good.”

11:45 AM

Cookies begin to take shape.  Note the subtle butter streaks… the tilted position actually is making for a marginally healthier cookie.

12:30 PM

Almost two hours in, and we’re getting somewhere.  The cookies are beginning to firm up.  The tops are slightly crisp, the bottoms are still squishy.  The process is working.

1:30 PM

Now these are some dashboard cookies.  I had zero illusions about the quality of the result.  Ain’t no way I was expecting nice toasty brown edges on these suckers.  They’re just like what you’d pull out of your oven if you pulled them out with three minutes left to go.  The chocolate chips were super melty… the whole thing would be great in a bowl with vanilla ice cream.

It is possible to bake cookies in your car on the hottest day of the year.  If I had to do it all over again, I’d use a proper dark colored cookie sheet, a sub compact car and sugar cookie dough.

..:: Makin’ A Buck Off The Apocalypse ::..

http://www. cafepress.com/zombieflu

Best shwag EVER.

..:: My Doppelganger ::..

Everyone’s got a twin. Dude on the left looks so much like me, it’s scary. I would say he is my evil twin, but I’d probably be doing the same thing in his shoes. So, does that make me evil?

Logic just collapsed in on itself and boobies win every time, so the post stays.  If anyone has a bead on who that guy is, let me know. I totally want to party with him.

..:: Words Fail Me ::..

Late night… slept poorly… alarm goes off… grab clothes… shuffle downstairs… to fridge for Diet Coke caffeine fix… sit at computer… fire up Facebook… see friend request from dad… cold jolt of fear and adrenaline… google “end times” “revelations” “end of the world” “jumping the shark” “facebook”… return Diet Coke to fridge… make peace with my new reality… accept dad’s friend request.

Did NOT see today starting off like this.

..:: The Truth About Desitin ::..

As a repellent, it’s top notch — I have some of it stuck in my cuticles right now as I type.  Seriously, if we slather Desitin on the hulls of our America’s Cup entries we’ll beat the friggin’ Aussies. It’s great stuff, but I think it harbors a secret.

You can’t wash it off your hands easily, but you have to reapply it after every wet diaper.  So, urine causes it to break down to some extent.  Know what else breaks down when it gets peed on?  Jellyfish venom.  Your friend gets stung, they will beg you to pee on the wound.

Ipso facto, Desitin is made from jellyfish venom.  But it doesn’t show up on the label.

I think my job here is done.

..:: Parenting Do’s and Don’ts ::..

These have been kicking around for a while, and I’ve seen them from time to time.  I don’t know where they came from originally, so I can’t give credit where credit is due.

As the father of two and husband of one I think they’re a riot, because I’ve done about half the don’ts shown below.  Oh, the stories they’ll share in therapy in 20 years will be golden. Call up child services and I’ll deny everything.

..:: Kiddo’s Gonna Be OK ::..

So, Children’s wireless policy is insane.  I can’t connect to social networking sites, personal sites, or sites with questionable content.  So, Twitter and Facebook are out, but goddamnsonofabitch.com is A-OK.  Go figure.

Anyhoo, she’s doing as good as can be expected.  Her mouth had the hell sutured out of it, so she can’t swallow, move her tongue, cough, cry or breathe without any pain.  Three cheers for morphine and codine.  She’s in a fog, but unfortunately that’s what she needs at this point.

She’s been through the wringer today.  Very strong when we got here — didn’t fuss or cry when the strangers in blue started poking and prodding her in pre-op. She rolled with it, and I was proud.  Then she went off, got sliced, stretched and stitched, and she woke up with a look that I had after that lost weekend in Tijuana, and I was proud.

Then came the blood, spit and tears.

She took it all in stride.  She had every right to be scared… it’s not every day you get a uvula.  It’s not every day you can breathe like an average person. That you can swallow like an average person. And every breath and swallow hurt her more than I can imagine.  And the funny thing is, she didn’t seem to cry because she was in pain. She seemed annoyed by it. Like she was trying to think her way through it and rationalize it. I don’t think a nine-month old has ever been introspective, but mine was.

And I’m proud.  Sleep well, princess.  Daddy’s here at your side. You’ve earned your rest.

..:: @ The Inauguration Behind This Hat ::..

A great way to shake off some insomnia is looking at the unrealistically hi-def photo created at the innauguration.  It’s a composite image of 200+ 1,474 megapixel shots.  And holy crap, my Olympus is underpowered compared to this mofo.

Click here to check it out.  Word on the street is you can see Yo Yo Ma taking a picture with this iPhone.  Have at it.

Tip o’ the hat to SS for bringing it to my attention.

EDIT:  Found him

..:: I’ve Hit The End Of Facebook ::..